My best friend Denise, she thinks she wants to try some hot yoga. Knowing that I did Bikram Yoga for a year, she has been asking me to sort of give her the 911 on the heat deal. Lets do some background information first on the BFF. She is extraordinarily fit, a fitness professional of …oh let’s err on the minimum side and say 35 years. Flexible…you bet…strong…oh yeah…endurance…for sure. Now lets do some background on myself. I am moderately fit, fitness professional and stiff as a Quaker. When I was conceived God said “Hey grab some 2X4’s, some hinges and call it Patty”. In my entire life I have never been able to do a simple backbend, and the rare ones I have semi accomplished looked more like a end table…no graceful arch of the back. The other thing to understand is I am a VERY lazy stretcher, it’s just too boring for me. Of course it’s also the reason I have a back that sounds like fireworks and hamstrings that could play in the orchestra…first string. Many years ago I was at a Sprint Triathlon with my other flexible friend Kristen, and they had this free yoga class. Let’s go she says….of course no worries for Kristen, she was a collegiate gymnast! Me….I hail from 84 Lumber…great. So there we are in some pose I cannot accomplish because my hips are tighter than my dads wallet…and the instructor looks me dead in the eye and says “Honey, You have problems! “ NO shit Sherlock!
Damn yogi’s.
Over many years I have attempted yoga, knowing that it is exactly what I should be doing. I quit because I suck at it and I hate sucking at anything. I look tall but in reality I am only 5’6”…my legs belong on someone 5’8” and my torso on someone 5’4”…you can hardly see my head when I am driving that’s how short my upper body is. YEAH…try touching your toes when your legs are the length of a foot long sub and your torso the length of a saltine cracker. Okay…I digress…anyway…so a couple years ago I had a client that wanted me to do Bikram Yoga with her. Some guy named Bikram Sumthin created Bikram Yoga, it consists of the SAME 26 postures in a nice toasty room of 105 degrees and lasts 90 hellish minutes. You know I was dedicated to this client because I actually went and then I did this for one year straight. Denise wants to know my experience so here it is:
The first time I went I had no idea how HOT it was, I mean I run in 90 degree heat…so big deal. So there I am and within the first 10 minutes I had that weird my ears are ringing I am going to face plant on the floor feeling…so I left the room. You should know you are NOT SUPPPOSED TO LEAVE UNLESS ITS CARDIAC ARREST…oh yeah…I got scolded. The next time I understood that Hitler Yogi was not going to be silent if I left the room, so I paced myself by sitting down every minute or so. You’re allowed to sit or lay down your just not allowed to LEAVE THE ROOM. Okay so there is the heat…and then there is the bright glaring light and mirrors that surround you. It’s hot so it’s not like you can drape yourself in clothes to cover up parts you’d rather keep under wraps, and for me that’s my short torso. I confess…there is no six pack under my workout tops. So there I am standing in my 2 piece hot yoga clothes and with every fold I get to glimpse the folds of my stomach rippling with sweat, not pretty. So there was that…and the fact that I could not fold over in half to my toes…and the fact I can’t stand on one leg without falling over…and the fact that I can’t do a bow pose as I am composed of wood. One year…I did this for an entire year thinking at some point it would get better. I gave it my best and I still sucked. And lest I leave this out…there was one day when I had put some Icy Hot on a quad I strained in the morning. I washed my leg prior to going into Bikram, but you know what? It didn’t matter because 15 minute into the class I was having a severe chemical burn on my legs…THEY WERE ON FIRE. By this time I was so indoctrinated that I actually poured my water onto a towel and threw it over my legs so I could stay in class. Don’t call me a quitter.
One would think that after a class where you lose half your weight by sweating it out on the floor, I would have been svelte after that year. Well…the thing is…if you replace the fluid with wine it kind of equals out.
Truth
PT
absolutely love this…your writing makes me smile!!!